The Stench of Star Wars

{ August 7, 2008 @ 7:32 pm } · { Entertainment, Humor, Movies, News, TV }
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George Lucas has revealed in an AP interview that he plans not only a live-action Star Wars TV series but is investigating a reissue of all 6 Star Wars movies in 3D! Boy, George, why don’t you go all the way and reissue them in Smell-O-Vision? The stench of the Sarlacc Pit! The stink of Jabba’s lair! The malodorousness of the Death Star’s trash compactor! The general rot of Hayden Christensen’s attempts at acting! Why, all of this can be yours to experience, thanks to George Lucas, who just can’t let his Star Wars films die!

I love the original Star Wars trilogy. I grew up on those films. The original Star Wars is probably my all-time favorite film, and I have seen it so many times I lost count a long time ago. But can we please just let it die? Every time you mess with it more you erode any shine and uniqueness the movies had. It’s like someone who can’t move on from a past relationship and keeps rehashing it over and over again in their mind. Just let go, George. Quit looking into the rear-view mirror and move forward.

An Olympic Feast

{ August 6, 2008 @ 8:06 pm } · { Books, Entertainment, Humor, Life, Music, News, Writing }
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In honor of the opening of the Summer Olympics in Beijing this week, I offer this anecdote:

The other day my mother rearranged one of her bookshelves and placed on them some culinary works she previously had boxed up. One of the titles that caught my attention was 365 Ways To Cook Chinese.

Guess that’s one way to solve the overpopulation problem, eh?

“All I wanna do is make a meal of you

We are what we eat, you’re my kind of meat…”

-Total Coelo/Toto Coelo,

 ”I Eat Cannibals”

Current CD Reviews: Danity and Miley

{ August 2, 2008 @ 6:57 pm } · { Entertainment, Humor, Movies, Music, TV }
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CD Review

Danity Kane

Welcome to the Dollhouse

2008

There’s nothing as good as “Damaged” here, and the 2 best songs are the quickies “Secret Place (Interlude)” and “Flashback Interlude”. Both of them should be expanded, expanded, just thought that I should let them know…

Grade: C+

CD Review

Miley Cyrus

Breakout

2008

Contributions from two ’80s popsters of note here: Go-Go Gina Schock co-wrote the title track (which sounds a lot like “Vacation”) and Matthew “Break My Stride” Wilder co-produced Miley’s cover of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”. (It must have been really weird to co-produce a cover of a song that shared the Top 40 with his big ”Break” hit in early 1984.) Cyrus’ talents are nowhere near as good as former Disney sensation Hilary Duff, although the ’80s hard pop of “Fly on the Wall” and moodiness of “Bottom of the Ocean” aren’t bad. The real reason to buy this is the “Rock Mafia Remix” of her hit single “See You Again” which unfortunately deletes the Stygian (as in Styx, as in “Too Much Time on My Hands”) keyboard swoops previously on the original version of The Best Single of The Year, So Far. 

Grade: C 

  

Think About Your Troubles

{ July 30, 2008 @ 7:43 pm } · { Humor, Life, Love }
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I was searching for some relationship advice on the Internet when I found this page. People type in their relationship questions and other posters reply and answer them. And, trust me, after reading these it makes you feel much better about your worries and concerns. Here’s a few of my favorites:

What does it mean if a guy who loves you tells you (that) he sees you as a female version of himself and you had the same thought about him?

If you are nine years old how do you get a girlfriend?

Is it normal for my husband to like to wear your bras and panties?

What should you do if you find out your husband is visiting websites about divorce?

Is your husband gay if he looks at gay porn?

Can a relationship survive if one is a sociopath but wants to fix himself?

How do you know if your boyfriend is gay?

How do you get your girlfriend who is a virgin to have sex with you?

Can a 19-year-old Marine marry a 16-year-old?

What can you do if your wife was angry when she caught you in her lingerie? 

Why would a man ask his wife to go to a strip club with him?

How can you tell if a girl is wearing a thong?

And on, and on, and on… I was looking for something a little simpler and I finally found it under the heading “What should you do to win a girl’s heart?”

This was one poster’s advice:

“Be yourself. That’s the only way to win a girl’s heart. If it’s meant to be, it will be.”

And that just might be all I need.

Llamatronic’s Literary Blah-Blah

{ July 21, 2008 @ 7:34 pm } · { Books, Entertainment, Humor, Writing }
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I was tagged by The Exile to respond to these 5 questions regarding literary classics, so here goes:

1. What is the best classic you were forced to read and why?  I read F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby twice in college and loved it both times because it’s well-written, moving, thought-provoking, depressing and I can relate to the title character.

2. What is the worst classic you were forced to read and why?  I had (or tried) to read Walker Percy’s The Moviegoer in a college course examining the differences between a book and its film adaptation. I don’t think any of us in the 10-15 student class made it past the first 5 pages. In fact, when we met at the end of the semester to study for finals, we spent part of the time discussing how bad it was.

3. Which classic should every student be required to read (and why)?  Today’s high schoolers need some good cynical Vonnegut in ther brains before they face the real world.

4. Which classic should be put to rest immediately (and why)?  William Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. Kids are forced to endure too much Shakespeare in school, but at least Romeo and Juliet, Macbeth, and Hamlet are easily relatable and have interesting plots. (Shakespeare is more easily understood watched than read, anyway.) I never got A Midsummer Night’s Dream, but I’ll be forgiving and guess that females dig it more than guys. There is nothing interesting or rewarding about Julius Caesar. It is just plain boring and confusing. Years after I had graduated high school (where I read all of the above plays) I was comparing notes with my mother, and she agreed with my Caesar assessment. “Really?” she cried.  “You, too? I thought it was just because I had an awful English teacher!” 

5. BONUS – Why do certain books become classics?  Because they manage to resonate with readers throughout time and survive school districts’ attempts to ban them.

OK, if anyone else wants to try this with your own responses, feel free.

Llamatronic’s 10 Favorite ABBA Tunes

{ July 19, 2008 @ 3:46 pm } · { Entertainment, Humor, Movies, Music }
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In honor of Mamma Mia! opening in US movie theaters this weekend, I compiled this list of my 10 favorite ABBA songs. (I also thought since I hadn’t blogged this week, I better make this entry supersized.)

1. “Take a Chance on Me” – Everything that made ABBA great is here: killer hooks, vocal harmonies, and the cheesy keyboard riff that follows “It’s maaagic!” I also recommend the Chipmunks cover set to a galloping country rhythm.

2. “The Winner Takes It All” – Benny Andersson and Bjorn Ulvaeus – the male half of ABBA – swear this song wasn’t inspired by their marriage breakup with the female half of the band. Where most breakup songs are about “I want you back, baby” this one has an air of bitter resignation and acceptance of loss. 

3. “Dancing Queen” – ABBA’s classic signature song. The “you can dance/you can jive/having the time of your life” part just glides like a rollergirl in motion.

4. “Does Your Mother Know” (live version) – The only hit the guys – in this case Bjorn – got to sing. ABBA rocks!

5. “On and On and On” (live version) - Like #4, The live rendition pounds harder than the album version. I love the line “so I took advantage of the fact that I’m a star.”

6. “Eagle” – Another rocker. You need to see the performance in the group’s only film ABBA – The Movie with all the triangular pulsing neon disco lights to truly appreciate it.

7. “One of Us” - The best of their South American-influenced songs is a tale of loneliness and woe.

8. “The Name of the Game” - It’s just one of my favorites. I like the “I was an impossible case” transition lines from the verse to the chorus.

9. “Two for the Price of One” – ABBA’s dirty joke.

10. “Angeleyes” - ABBA’s European classical music influences collide with American girl-group pop.

The Corpse Bride, or I Kissed a Dead Girl and I Liked It

{ July 9, 2008 @ 6:05 pm } · { Entertainment, Humor, Music, News, Writing }
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This is an actual engagement announcement that appeared in the Dallas Morning News newspaper on Sunday. I’m reprinting excerpts of it for your amusement.

Burns-Death

Mr. and Mrs. James L. Death of Southlake announce the engagement of their daughter, Julia Marshall Death to Jeffrey Scott Burns…She is the granddaughter of Mr. and Mrs. Lee Marshall of Checotah, Oklahoma and the late Mr. and Mrs. William Death.

Who’s gonna be presiding at the wedding, Jack Kevorkian?!?! In lieu of a wedding march, will they play Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper” or Alice Cooper’s “I Love the Dead”? 

When they’re exchanging vows, will the preacher ask”Jeffrey Scott Burns, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife…until death do you part?” And he’ll reply, “But I don’t wanna leave her, that’s why I’m marrying her!”

Can you imagine what the funeral was like when Mr. and Mrs. William Death died? (Sorry, that was awful.) The preacher probably got up at the front of the church and said, “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Death.” 

It’s too bad National Lampoon magazine isn’t around anymore to run that excellent feature they used to do with unintentionally humorous newspaper articles and street signs – I think it was called “True Facts” - this would be perfect for it.

(Should anyone in the Death or Burns families – that REALLY sounds bad- happen to read this, I want you to know that I wish you all the best of luck and no bad will whatsoever. It’s just too humorous, though…)

When All is Officially Said and Done

{ July 7, 2008 @ 9:06 pm } · { Entertainment, Movies, Music, News }
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Just a quick news note today: ABBA will never perform together again. ABBA songwriter/keyboardist Bjorn Ulvaeus has been quoted in Britain’s Sunday Telegraph saying that ”money is not a factor and we would like people to remember us as we were. Young, exuberant, full of energy and ambition.”

The statement came after the Swedish band reunited in Stockholm last Friday for the premiere of the film Mamma Mia!, which features 22 of the band’s songs in its soundtrack.

International News: Hitler Gets Waxed and ABBA Reunites!

{ July 5, 2008 @ 4:11 pm } · { Art, Entertainment, Humor, Movies, Music, News }
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Both of these stories came from Reuters:

First, a German man tore the head off a wax figure of Adolf Hitler today on the opening day of Madame Tussaud’s Berlin wax museum.

The 41-year-old pushed past 2 security guards before ripping the head off.

Critics of the exhibit claimed it was in bad taste to have the Nazi leader shown in the museum in a mock bunker depicting the last days of his life alongside depictions of celebrities.

Here’s the best part, in a direct quote from the Reuters story:

“It is illegal in Germany to show Nazi symbols and art glorifying Hitler and the exhibit was cordoned off to stop visitors posing with him.”

I can just see the first day of school now…

“Gee, Billy, what did you do this summer?’”

“Gee whiz, Mrs. Daniels, I got my picture taken with Hitler!”

Or the subsequent fudged slideshow pictures at family gatherings…

“And here I am with my old pal Adolf before the Reich fell…”

Even better that that display of opposition to the Nazis is that ABBA reunited for the Swedish premiere of the film Mamma Mia! in Stockholm on Friday! They didn’t perform anything at the opening of the movie whose soundtrack features 22 ABBA songs, but it’s still cool considering they reportedly once turned down $1 billion to reunite.

R.I.P. Madame Marie of Springsteen’s song

{ July 2, 2008 @ 6:58 pm } · { Entertainment, Music, News }
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Fortune teller Madame Marie aka Marie Castello died last Friday at 93. Bruce Springsteen fans know her from the lyrical mention in his 1973 song “4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy)” that was also covered under the name “Sandy” by The Hollies.

Castello’s stand was next to Stone Pony, the Asbury Park, NJ, boardwalk club where Springsteen got his start. According to the E! Online obituary, Marie and Bruce were friends, and Springsteen would often stop in to see her when he was in town.

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